I haven't written on her for awhile because honestly, I feel so damaged and helpless that I no longer know what to say. On Tuesday my instructor pulled me aside after class and she made me feel a lot better. I have a panic and anxiety disorder and she knows that, she said that she has seen a difference in me since the beginning of the semester, like a personal growth...like I was finally opening up...but I feel like its the other way around...I feel like I am closing myself off to the world...
My birthday just passed...I am finally 19...but I wish I could have just skipped it, not because I want to stay young or anything of that sort, but because I feel selfish that I get to celebrate my birthday while my sister will only ever get to celebrate her birthday behind bars. I feel selfish when I am happy...
For Thanksgiving we "celebrated" by having our family get together and pretend like everything was normal...but I took no part in it expect for the cooking because I hate that my sister isn't here with me...And I hate that she never will be again...
Nothing is going right in my life...and I just keep wondering what's next?
