Open Your Eyes

Growing up you don't realize how bad things are. Everything is much simpler because you are ignorant to all of the serious things that are going around you. I didn't think I would see so many people that are close to me end up injured or in jail. Or even dead. Life has never been easy for me, and yet I have only been alive for nearly 19 years.

I am not who I thought I would be when I got older, I didn't think I would have so many issues. I didn't think I would have a panic, anxiety, and depression disorder. I didn't think I would grow up to be...nothing. This life isn't what I wanted for my self. And while I am on my way to attempting to do something positive with my life I can't help but still feel inevitably lost.

I feel like I am walking around in the dark with no knowledge of what's surrounding me, like at any minutes I could just disappear. And the sad thing about that is that who would care? Honestly, I don't think anyone except my immediate family would care. I know though that if one day I were to die, all the people who bullied me or treated me poorly would all of a sudden say something along the lines of "Omg I can't believe she died so young, she was such a great person, she was so nice, I don't know what I'll do without her." And even though I am nice, and I am a good person a lot of people don't see that because I try to keep to myself, or they see the part of me that is bad when I explode and can't hold in all of the hurt anymore. It is really sad though that that is how people are.

I'm in college right, and I never thought I would even make it this far, I honestly thought I would be dead by now, but here I am sitting in the common area at my college writing this blog even though I know no one will ever care to read it. But oh well, I am going to continue to do this for me because I think it is going to help me work through some things.


I hate that I keep hearing about good people that I used to know now being arrested for horrendous things, ruining the rest of their lives and leaving them with life sentences. What happened that all of a sudden everything around me is going to hell....Maybe karma really does exist....






After a few long hours on class and seeing my family, here I am back in a common area at my college waiting for my next class realizing how much I really dislike myself. Its sad that people can feel this low and this bad about themselves I wish that I could just not be me. I don't know if that makes any sense but I really just wish that I could be someone else. I never feel happy, and I hate myself....how can anyone else like me if I don't even like myself? I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe it's because I was bullied and now have certain ideas about myself permantly lodged into the back of my head. Or maybe...idk