My Ghost

I used to record our conversations, used to stay up real late, But now all that is over, Cuz you just don’t care, And I remember when you would call every night, But when you just stopped calling, I still waited up all night for that call where you’d say baby, I know I’m not perfect but you know I love you right?

I stayed up all night for a call that’d never come, And I remember the pain you caused by disappearing, Cuz there was always something more important, I never came first.

But I remember the moment that I could no longer hold my tongue, I just couldn’t keep it in, The words came spilling out, Still you never responded, soon you became my ghost.

I just didn’t matter, and now it’s been two years, haven’t heard your voice in almost a year, I wish I could hear your laugh just once.

Maybe then I could move on, But I’m still waiting for that call that will never come, you probably already deleted my number and silently said goodbye, I wish I could move on, But I know I won’t, How could I when my heart is still lying there on the ground.

And they say it takes time, that time heals all wounds, but that It will get better, someday I’ll move on, and you’ll remain my ghost, haunted forever, no turning back.

But I don’t see that happening, I’m still in love, with a man that could never love me too.

 

In the beginning it was so sweet, but soon you became distant, and world seemed to grow, now as I lay here trying to figure out what happened I'm left in silence.

 

I look back and remember our conversations, realizing that in the beginning you never even let me get a word in, I even remember the time you called me while you were brushing your teeth because even though you were in a hurry you didn't want to start the day apart.  I remember when it started...when you slowly stopped feeling the need and want to be with me.

 

I could here it in your voice, one trip to see your brother, a stolen kiss, two weeks with no word, Texas was where your love for me died. Still we tried, we wanted it to work out...but soon one stolen kiss turned into two and it slowly started multiplying...

 

You denied it, I believed you, I trusted you, and we went on with our lives, I grew cold and angry, I was hurt, I was losing my love to another...little did I know there was nothing I could do, it already happened, he loved another, maybe he never loved me at all, maybe I just love the idea of being with him...all of the good times...

 

I remember our conversations, I remember them like they took place yesterday, and even though those recording have long been deleted, I still remember....I still here your voice, your laugh, I still hear the sound of your smile, even though you'll haunt me for the rest of m life, I know I have been long forgotten...

 

And for now, I will mourn you, I will mourn the man I fell in love with because I know that I will never see that man again, I will never forget, because you brought happiness back into my life, you showed me that even when things are going bad, there will always be someone there who loves you even when you can't see them...


I remember the little things you did, like how your nose would twitch when you laughed, or how you would babble when you wanted to say something but didn't know how to. I remember all of your crazy dream and every detail about them that you said. I remember all of the things you dreamed for us...I remember the how your voice sounded when you said you loved me or when you would call me "lovey bunni" I remember the love that was behind the words. I remember when I could hear it in your voice.


I miss the way you would tell me about your day, about the crazy things that happened, about how you wanted 6 kids because you wanted your future kids to have a big family and huge support system. I miss how you would say that you needed to get off the phone and go to bed but then refuse to get off the phone for another hour. I miss the feeling of you holding my hand...


I miss how you wanted to run away together and start a new chapter in our lives....


Now I am continuing this journey with out you, slowly moving on to better things, now that youre gone I no longer have to worry, about the quirks I had when it came to you, im not sure where im going, somewhere far away, far from the pain and hurt that I relive every day


Now that youre gone I can breathe, now that its been so long im starting to think the fog is clearing, someday ill find another, someone who will love me for me, unconditionally


"I love[d] you like a love song baby" and now when I didn't to the love songs the thoughts of you are starting to fade, someday ill be a new. Someday I will be able to stand up straight, because now that your gone, I can finally breathe.


You know that song that goes "and it took me quite awhile, to see we wont walk the aisle" it was always just a distant dream, and when I heard that song for the first time I knew, it was time to let go...you loved me once...but your love was always indefinite...and I can no longer wait for your unsurities...though I know someday well see...we really aren't "the perfect two..."


I remember when you were the one that picked my heart off the ground, dusted it off, and kept it close to your own, but then one day, you dropped it in slow motion, and when it made impact with the ground it shattered, no room for redemption now, the sound it made as it hit the floor is one I will never forget, it crippled me, and as I fell to my knees, you turned and walked away...


By the time you stopped and finally looked back a year had already passed, but there was no chance of making it work, too much time had gone by...and still old habits remained...I bit my tongue, for as long as I could bare to manage, but it wasn't long enough soon enough the words came spilling out and once again, you said your silent goodbye....you were never one for saying goodbye anyways...


5 weeks from now, the pain will only become more real, another year will have slipped by, but this time neither of us will make the effort to even let a word slip between us...neither of us will give in...because our pride has only grown...and now we no longer know the other...we no longer have the feelings that we once used to share, and we will never again be face to face...gasping for air...because we always did take each others breath away....


I cant stop thinking of our first kiss, the moment our lips first touched, and that goofy smile on our faces...I cant forget how it seemed like the world had stopped for a moment, as if it were only us left in the world...I cant forget how the rest of the night had gone, walking side by side, hand in hand, down a street that seemed to never end...and as you kissed me goodnight once more, and I slowly turned away, you hadn't left until I shut the door...But I remained in the window, watching you kick at the ground and finally turn to walk away...but before you had gone you looked back....I only wish I knew what had been on your mind at that point in time...


I fell in love with this guy, he was my first love and my first official boyfriend, and he made a huge impact on my life both when he entered my life and when he left it. I am not spitefull of him or hatefull, I understand that we were both young and clueless and that heart break was inevitable, but I did love him, and I still do. I know that all I want is to hear his voice just one more time but I also know that if I did that I would be reopening the wound. Especially because I know that he wouldn't answer even if I did call, he wouldn't respond to a text or facebook message. I know that it's over but I can't help but hope that maybe one day we will find our way back to eachother, though by then I hope I will have moved on.



Over Time I will continue to add to this because I feel it is the only way for me to accept what happened.