Anxiety Galore

On Monday the 20th I have to present my speech, I am really not too trilled about that I have been putting it off since it was assigned two weeks ago, I haven't known what I should do it on. It is a demonstration speech and I really don't want to do it so I have been trying to decide whether or not I am going to give my speech. In order to get an A in the class we have to have between 800 and 900 points in the class. 100 of those points belong to this specific speech. I guess maybe I could teach the class how to make crayon lipsticks, most of the people in my class have kids and then they would be able to do it with their kids, I think that would be an interesting idea. But I have a panic and anxiety disorder that makes it really hard for me to even have a conversation with someone, or to even leave the house in the morning. Just thinking about having to stand in front of the class and give a speech is making me sick to my stomach with anxiety. I wish that I could just disappear, melt into the chair or the wall or something and just be gone. I wish that I wasn't so anxious all of the time but I can't help it. When the anxiety washes over me in the morning I can't breath, I can't concentrate, it is just all so overwhelming and I am tired of it.

You know what it's like to feel anxious before or during a speech? Well, I feel like that all of the time, I am constantly anxious. My doctor put me on mood stabilizers and tranquilizers, and sure they make me feel less anxious, but they I feel emotionally numb, and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling nothing, I would father feel something than nothing at all.

I can't even have a conversation with my friends, I can't go out and hang out with my friends because I start having panic attacks and then I make everyone uncomfortable. I wasn't like this until junior year of high school. Actually I take that back, I had panic attacks and severe anxiety before my junior year, but junior year is when it got bad.

Looking back I really wish that I would have been different. I wish that I didn't have to be this person that I am. But I can't help it. I just want to disappear. I don't want to be on this Earth anymore.