Disney Villians

This is THE best video I have seen in such a long time. If you haven't seen it then you really are missing out. I mean it is seriously funny and extremely catchy, I have been singing it ever since I first saw it last week, anyways I just had to share. Enjoy!

What Would You do if You Couldn't See?

You know that feeling when the lights turn off, and you can't see anything, you don't know what's in front of you, where you are, who is around you, you get scared because all of a sudden you have no control? Did you know that is what it is like for someone who is blind? Sure, people who are blind manage, they learn to adapt, and it is truly inspiring because they don't let their limitations control their lives. But could you imagine being able to see, and then all of a sudden you see nothing.

My grandpa was born with glaucoma, when he was very young he had to have his right eye removed. It was replaced with a glass eye. He was legally blind. Over time his sight continued to get worse. He had undergone many surgeries. A few months ago a problem arose in this left eye. Once again he had to under go another surgery, the doctor needed to remove the oil he had previously put in during another surgery, if the oil wasn't removed there was a high probability of his retina detaching. Two weeks ago my grandpa called my grandma in frantic fear, he couldn't see anything. The next morning to grandma took him to the doctor, and once again he must go under surgery again to try to save his eye. His eye is shutting down, he once was able to see, then only shapes and shadows and today only flashes of lights.

He isn't coping. He is 71 years old, legally blind his whole life, and he isn't able to do the things he once was able to. I try to help him as much as possible, but he doesn't want help, he wants to wallow around feeling sorry for himself. But I understand. I understand how frustrating it can be to have limitations, and I can imagine how scared he is...I just wish he would let us help make it easier on him because he isn't alone...I just wish that he could see that we are all going through this right along side of him because we love him and will do anything we can to help.

That moment...

So you know that feeling you get when you find out your boyfriend is cheating on you? And you've seen proof, you have seen physical proof and then they sit there and lie to you, and try to confuse your and just make you feel completely stupid? If so...I am so sorry you had to go through that, if not...then dam are you lucky...

He's been cheating on me since the moment we started dating...I trusted him, I believed in him...and I prayed that I wouldn't be hurt again...and here I am crying in my bedroom because I was stupid enough to let someone in. I was stupid enough to let someone hurt me again.

Maybe I deserved it....I'm just not pretty enough, or smart enough, I'm not sexy, I don't send pictures, I haven't had sex...maybe I am just boring...lame...ugly...fat...maybe I am all the things that I believe I am...Does the world work that way? I don't know...I don't think that I will ever feel ok...or happy...because every time I try to be happy something happens...something horrible...and then I lose everything and have to start over once again..

Make a Difference: My Ghost

Make a Difference: My Ghost: I used to record our conversations, used to stay up real late, But now all that is over, Cuz you just don’t care, And I remember when you ...

I Just Read a Really Sad Story

I just read something and watched a video that made me stick to my stomach, Today I am going to talk what I read about Amanda Todd's tragic story, my heart goes out to her family and loved ones, no one deserves to go through that. No one deserves to be bullied or hurt or feel so low that they feel the need to hurt themselves.

Amanda Todd was a beautiful young lady who made a mistake that eventually took her life. The things that she had to go through, I can relate, but definitely not in the same severity that she faced. She was 15 years old when she took her life, four hours after posting the video below to Youtube. The world is a cruel place, I only wish that people would have showed you the kindness and respect that all humans deserve.





Watching this video really hurt because I can imagine the pain and hurt that she felt. I have felt that low, I have tried to commit suicide, I have hurt myself but I have never been able to try to end my life again after the first time. And it's because sadly, unlike Amanda, I had people that were here for me that helped me see the good in the world. Amanda had no one. Her past followed her, it became her ghost, she was haunted with the mistake that she made when she was so young...Where ever she went it followed her, she couldn't escape it no matter how hard she tried. Can you imagine never being able to run away and start over? To never be able to move on from something stupid you did? I know I have made a million stupid mistakes...but thankfully people haven't held those mistakes against me. I wish someone would have shown her the same kindness. I wish someone would have treated her with the respect she deserved, the way I see it is that when you meet someone everything from before that point should not affect the relationship that you have with them. Her past should not have mattered. But sadly those people who hurt and bullied her were cruel, and too young to understand. I hope one day they realize how much they hurt not only her and her family, but also the world. God take care of her...I am sure she is in a much better place, where she can feel loved at all times...

"Send Me A Pic"

I don't know about the rest of the girls in the world, but the moment I receive this text is the moment that whatever sort of relationship we are in is officially over.

I have respect for myself and my body, other girls may think of this differently, but

I believe that your naked body is only for one person to see in your life time.

That is my PERSONAL belief, if you feel

differently then that is your choice, but I was raised to believe that

becoming sexually intimate with a man or woman is meant to be special and saved for marriage.

Where of where have my pain meds gone, down the toilet my mother flushed

In 2012 I was in a car accident right? Yea. And so now I have 3 herniated discs, what fun. Yea. No. I have chronic pain at all times of the day, I don't sleep great because if I stay still too long it hurts. If I move it hurts. If I sit it hurts. If I stand it hurts. If I lay down it hurts. If I don't move it hurts. If I take meds it hurts. If I don't take meds it hurts. I get shocks in my back and legs, I get sharp pains in my back, neck, legs, and arms. I have nerve pain all the dam time and I don't enjoy it. I have tried pain meds, I have tried spinal injections, I have tried physical therapy. They have not helped. I was put on Norco and that was the only thing that really helped, however I became addicted. After a few months of my growing addiction my mother found out when she saw me at church popping pill after pill, over and over. When I didn't take the pills it would hurt so bad, I would ache, and I would get a really bad headache. I was irritable when I wasn't taking medication. I couldn't help it I was in so much pain and nothing was really helping but overdosing on my medication. My mom took the rest of my Norco and flushed it. Hence the title of this post. The withdrawals were so bad though I couldn't take it, so I started buying pills, trading pills, selling other medications, and I continued to pop pills. This time however I didn't always know what I was taking. I started taking 30-40 pills a day. It was getting really bad. Now I regret it because ever since I haven't been right in the head. I can't concentrate or even comprehend most things people tell me. I became withdrawn and socially awkward. I have a stuttering problem now and my hands are constantly shaking. I don't have the control over my body that I used to. That's a problem for me because now I am limited in what I can do.

Every once and a while I am able to get my hands on a few norco, and I feel better when taking them, but it never is enough, the withdrawals come back, the headaches don't stop, my body aches, and I can't sleep...That's when I start thinking "one more, one more and I'll be ok, just one more," but one more turns into 2 more, and 5 more and 10 more and so on...I have a problem and I am trying to work through it...I started my addiction because I couldn't handle the pain. Today I battle my addiction because now I can't face the fact that I will always be in pain, and because when I am on those pills I feel like everything will be ok again, like I can finally breathe. Many people don't understand that...but an addiction as serious as taking pills is the same as an addiction of even little things...addictions take control and they leave you in the passenger seat of your life, I don't want to let my addiction win...Do you?

Dear God....

Dear God,

Yesterday while sitting in the common area my professor walked up to me and asked me how I was doing, I answered truthfully, I told him I could be better and his response left me thinking. He asked me what could make it better...I didn't know how to answer that because I don't know what could have made it better. He then continued to ask me if a pray, and when I said yes he went on to tell me about a bible verse, which he couldn't place, but after hearing it and day after day seeing how positive he is towards the world, I understand now. He is so positive and happy because of you. The verse is the motto he chooses to live his life by, and I find that to be incredibly amazing and inspiring. He said he would pray for me, and he continued to talk to me asking why I was feeling so low, and when he finally got up to walk away I can't even begin to explain the clarity I felt. You have blessed him in a way that is completely amazing...If it weren't for seeing the people that you have blessed just as you have blessed my professor, I don't know how my love and faith for you would be able to grow more than it already is. Seeing the miracles you make everyday give me purpose in this life. I aspire to be a fraction of as generous and loving as you are.

Sincerely,

Anon ymous

It Took Me Quite Awhile, But Now I See

Pain is something that I personally am all too familiar with. All forms of it. But the worst pain of all is when a family member is ripped away from you.


My sister was involved in something bad, but the thing was that she didn't do anything. But she was there...she didn't believe that it would happen, she wasn't even in the room, no she wasn't even on the same floor, that it happened. But still she was found guilty of a crime she didn't commit. The justice system in America is a joke, there is no such thing as justice in the justice system anymore because it is all about politics...but then again...hasn't it always been?

My sister is spending the next (min) 40 years of her life in jail. She is twenty years old...I will never see my sister again. I will never be able to hug her, kiss her, tease her, fight with her, have unsupervised conversations with her again...all because she got involved with some bad friends. You really do have to be picky when choosing who you want to be friends with...because you never know when they will put you in a situation that can ruin the rest of your life. My sister won't see her daughter grow up, she won't have anymore kids, she won't be there when my brother, her daughter, or I get married, she won't be there for our grandparents or parents deaths...She won't be here for birthdays or holidays, she will never get to kiss her daughter good night again...

I understand two men lost their lives, I understand two families lost their brother, uncle, cousin, son, (possibly father), and I understand that they want justice. But here is the thing, my sister wasn't there at the time, she had no idea it was going to happen, there was only one piece of physical evidence, there was only one finger print of hers on a bottle of tequila, she was sleeping with one of the men, they were friends...She never would have willingly hurt them or help hurt them...The others though...two had sex on top of them...two physically did it...one was proud of it....yet one of they would truly showed no emotion for them was cut a deal and will only have to serve 3-5 years...

Those families were not the only people to lose someone, I lost my sister, my brother lost his sister, my niece lost her mother, my parents lost their daughter, my grandparents lost their grandkid, my aunt lost her niece...my sister lost her friend...

When it happened people were threatening my family, people were harassing us, following us home, driving past our home yelling horrible things out of car windows, vandalizing our property, bullying my brother and I...saying that it was my parents fault...that they should have been watching her...she was a legal adult...they no longer had any control over her....yes she made plenty of mistakes that she wishes she could change...but she can't...but should she really have to lose everything because she was put into a horrible situation by the ones she called friends?

I had faith in the justice system...I thought it was innocent until proven guilty...but it is really guilty until proven innocent...politics are not justice. Justice is not politics....

Why So Serious? More Like Why So Cruel?

Honestly, I am very mad right now, and it is because last night I was on Facebook and I came across a post that one of my friends shared. The post was a blog that a woman with depression wrote talking about her depression and about her support system. She mentioned how when she was younger she heard that saying that how is anyone supposed to love you when you don't love yourself scared her because he hated herself because of how her depression controlled her life. She then went on about how the guy she has been seeing for the last year has taught her that even with depression it is possible to find someone who loves you and will make you feel...well normal. The post was about how she is living with her depression but working on loosening the grip it has on her. Her article was so extremely relatable, and yet still people commented criticizing her telling her to stop being selfish with her depression. They were attacking her when all she wanted was to tell her story. Those people are bullies. Anyone who purposely attacks someone else verbally or physically trying to cause harm is a bully.

I hate bullies. They were saying that depression is a joke, and that she was a horrible person for not putting any effort into the relationship and then it just kept escalating, they were coming up with their own conclusions, putting words into her mouth and just acting as if it were all just a joke. It wasn't funny or amusing one bit. Those people were cruel and now imagine being her and having to read those comments? Can you imagine the effects they can have on her especially while she is fighting depression? Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should walk on eggshells around people with depression in any way or form, but to attack someone verbally or physically for something that you are clearly ignorant of is wrong and cruel. I would be ashamed of myself if I were those cruel people.

Creepy Crawlys

I have no idea what kind of spider this is but what I do know is that they are really common where I live and they scare the freaking shit outta me...someone come kill it?

A little bit more about me

This picture is of me in 2012 about 3 months before the accident that injured my spine.

These pictures were taken on the same day.

And so were these. At this time I weighed approximately 135pounds.

This picture was taken in early 2014, now I know you may not see that big of a difference, but in the since the accident (that occurred in 2012) I have again approximately 50 pounds. This is because my spine was damaged, not anything severe enough that I was permanently placed in a wheelchair or anything but bad enough that I had and still have severe chronic pain in my back, and nerve damage in my left leg and right arm.

 

I gained so much weight in the last two years because the combination of pain medications, mood stabilizers, tranquilizers and a series of other medications along with the inability to exercise caused weight gain. Finally my doctor has given me the ok to get off of the medications (all except the mood stabilizers and tranquillers for anxiety reasons) and has approved for me to start exercising again. I plan on making the gym my best friend until I am able to reach a healthy weight that I am comfortable with. Wish me luck.

Sh....ITS ANONYMOUS

Alright, so yes, this is me, I am not going to go into who I am, or my name, or blah blah blahhh, but yet, this is who I am. I am a girl. I am 18. I turn 19 in December. I am not the prettiest girl out there, and I don't believe that anyone is ugly. So yea. Sorry about the back ground, my room is in a basement and my room was horribly messy when I took this picture. So I apologize. Just figured I would let anyone who is viewing my blog know who they are talking to. But SHHHHHHHH...don't tell anyone. I am anonymous lol

Pandora -The Fray

I listen to Pandora all the time, but I tend to listen to the same few stations. Mostly I listen to The Fray's station. I think they are just really amazing and their music is relatable, that's what I like most. Some other bands I really like are Daughtry, Three Days Grace, Three Doors Down, The Script, Gavin Degraw and bands like them. I just really like the sound of these bands music.

Some songs by Daughtry that I really relate to are All These Lives, It's Not Over, Over You, Superman, and September.  These are my favorite songs by them.

Some songs by The Fray that I really enjoy and would recommend are How to Save a Life, You Found Me, and Over My Head.

Next, Three Days Grace, I would recommend Never Too Late, I Hate Everything About You, Pain, and Riot. A lot of their older stuff I really enjoy.

There are many bands that I listen to and so many songs that I could name that really speak to me, but if I were to name them all it would take literally forever, so below I am just going to list some songs that I feel are really great.

Aburn- The Break up Version of Perfect two
Nickelback- Photograph , Far away, If everyone cared, how you remind me, someday and lullaby
Daughtry- Home , Feels like tonight, Crawling back to you, Life after you
Hinder- Lips of an angel, better than me, without you
Rascal Flats- What hurts the most, These days, im moving on, here comes goodbye
Christina Perri- A thousand years, distance, arms
Pink- Perfect, Dear Mr. President, So what, Just like a pill, take a bow, Please don't leave me, who knew
Matchbox 20- unwell, push, real world, if youre gone,
The Script- The man that cant be moved, nothing, break even, you found me, for the first time

Anxiety Galore

On Monday the 20th I have to present my speech, I am really not too trilled about that I have been putting it off since it was assigned two weeks ago, I haven't known what I should do it on. It is a demonstration speech and I really don't want to do it so I have been trying to decide whether or not I am going to give my speech. In order to get an A in the class we have to have between 800 and 900 points in the class. 100 of those points belong to this specific speech. I guess maybe I could teach the class how to make crayon lipsticks, most of the people in my class have kids and then they would be able to do it with their kids, I think that would be an interesting idea. But I have a panic and anxiety disorder that makes it really hard for me to even have a conversation with someone, or to even leave the house in the morning. Just thinking about having to stand in front of the class and give a speech is making me sick to my stomach with anxiety. I wish that I could just disappear, melt into the chair or the wall or something and just be gone. I wish that I wasn't so anxious all of the time but I can't help it. When the anxiety washes over me in the morning I can't breath, I can't concentrate, it is just all so overwhelming and I am tired of it.

You know what it's like to feel anxious before or during a speech? Well, I feel like that all of the time, I am constantly anxious. My doctor put me on mood stabilizers and tranquilizers, and sure they make me feel less anxious, but they I feel emotionally numb, and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling nothing, I would father feel something than nothing at all.

I can't even have a conversation with my friends, I can't go out and hang out with my friends because I start having panic attacks and then I make everyone uncomfortable. I wasn't like this until junior year of high school. Actually I take that back, I had panic attacks and severe anxiety before my junior year, but junior year is when it got bad.

Looking back I really wish that I would have been different. I wish that I didn't have to be this person that I am. But I can't help it. I just want to disappear. I don't want to be on this Earth anymore.

Dear God

Dear God,

I really need you to guide my way, I really need you to give me some sort of guidance...I feel numb and empty and I am not sure where to go from here. Everything feels really depressing all of the time. Sometimes I feel like you're not even real...but when you have faith that is so strong that it is nearly impossible to ever stop believing it makes it so much harder to feel like that because when you do....at least when I do I hate the feeling that I betrayed you...but everyone has their doubt every once and a while right?

Anonymous

Mental Health Illness Is Real And Should Be Taken Seriously

Personally I have a panic, anxiety, and depression disorder, all things that should be taken seriously. But lets be real for a second. No one cares if you have a mental health illness, because people will always think that you are over reacting or trying to get attention, but in reality they will never know what it is like to have a mental health disorder until they face it themselves. The sad thing is that even though they are lucky and don't have to face anxiety or severe depression on a regular basis there are millions of people out there in the world that have to face it every day. Medication helps some people, but not everyone, some people can't do anything to lessen the anxiety they face everyday. People with mental health disorders are not just trying to get attention, they are constantly mentioning it so that maybe people will be understanding and try to help them through it, or so that people will understand that maybe for example is someone doesn't talk much it doesn't mean that they don't like you or are rude or hateful or anything like that.




What I find completely absurd is the fact that there are so many people with mental health illness around the world, and it is nearly impossible to tell who around you has a disorder. Some people may not even realize that they have a disorder, and sometimes those people walk around wondering what is wrong with them, or why do they always feel so...I guess you could fill in the blank for that one because they could feel so many different things, for example they could feel negative, down, weird, abnormal, odd, strange, or weird all the time.

College is STRESSFUL

Ok, so this is my first semester actually being in college, although I did take dual credit courses while I was in high school. Honestly college is easy as long as you study, take notes, and pay attention. And thankfully at the college I attend they offer free tutoring to anyone who needs it. I haven't taken advantage of that yet, but I am sure that eventually I will be spending a lot of time there. Okay so I am attending a Junior college for two years getting a majority of my classes out of the way but I swear it seems nearly impossible to finish in 4 semester. I need 64 credits by spring of 2016. So far I have 6 transferable credits from high school, the rest of the credits were sadly not transferable. I think that is bull shit though. Anyways, So I am going over what classes I have to take next semester and I have to take another developmental math course before I can move on to the required math course I have to take. So I will have a total of 8 developmental math credits that won't transfer which really makes me mad, because it isn't my fault that my high school teachers didn't prepare me well enough. I did the work, I received high A's in all those courses and then I took the compass test at the college and obviously did really bad because at the moment I am taking 094 Elementary Algebra. It sucks, because I know and understand all of this stuff yet I am stuck taking this class and then I will have to take 098 which I will probably know too. So GREAT ANOTHER WASTE OF MY TIME. So by the time this semester is done I will have 11 transferable credits, adding it to 17 transferable credits total. Next semester I will have 26 credits, only 22 of them will be transferable. So by the end of next semester I will have 39 Transferable credits.


Then I have to deal with family problems at the same time so I have no idea how I am going to deal with all of this stuff. Sorry, I am really just venting.

The Odd One Out

I'm surrounded by people at almost all times, and no matter who I am around, whether it is family, friends, or strangers I always feel like the odd one out. I always feel different and I really hate that. I used to be loud, random, fun, and people used to enjoy being around me. Now...not so much. Today I am the quiet type, I am the girl sitting in the corner of the room that no one notices. After what happened I pretty much lost everyone. I could no longer trust my so called friends, so I silently said goodbye and moved on. The few friends I have left don't care about me or what happens to me, they only care about having someone there that they can vent to, and until something happens again they leave you there, no word no nothing, because you are only important when it is convenient for them. 

Right now I'm sitting in the cafeteria at the college I am attending, and there are at least 300 people in here. I got done with my test of 50 questions in under 5 minutes, I only got 2 wrong, and so I came to the cafeteria, sometimes it is really scary to be alone, so I surround myself around people, even if I they don't know I am here. It is nice to at least be around them.

Now that no one pays attention to me the bullying has stopped, though I see others all the time physically and verbally hurting others. I hate that...The other day I was driving home from class around 9:30pm and I saw a woman, man, and child get off of a bus and the women was yelling at the man, he started hitting her and threatening her...the kid was trying to stop him. But no one stopped. I called the cops because no one no matter what deserves to be hit. I should have done more though I should have pulled over and got out of the car and helped her, but to be honest....I didn't think about that at the time. Can you imagine being that woman or child though...how horrible it would be to have to go through that? It's awful...I would know. But a lot of people just don't care.

I notice that my posts are never consistent because so many things start running through my head, I am the same way when I write on my sister's facebook page, i just starting writing about random things...I am not sure how I feel about that though...

Random Post About Stuff I Am currently Thinking About

Okay, so I watch this guy Chris's youtube vlogs, his name is like Weeklychris or something along those lines, and anyways he is really entertaining, and he is definitely easy on the eyes. But that's not the point, the point is that if you are having a bad day and you just want to smile or laugh then you should watch his vlogs. He is really random and he talks a lot, and apparently  he is sick a lot because he is constantly apologizing for his voice sounding funny.

The first video I ever saw of him I actually just saw a few months ago, this girl on my facebook shared a video of him "eating" his viewers, sounds odd right? Well the video was actually really adorable, And if you don't think he's funny or entertaining then if you like guys with green eyes, then you should just watch his videos to stare at his eye, he also makes vlogs with his brother and sister, who are entertaining, but not as entertaining as him. (ITS MOSTLY JUST HIS LOOKS THAT MAKE HIM SO APPEALING TO WATCH). Sorry, but he is just honestly really attractive, Once I get home from class I will be sure add links to his videos, I promise though that his videos really will make a bad day better.

I Haven't Got A Clue

Hey, so I know that if anyone is actually reading this it is because they have gotten here totally by accident. But anyways, stay awhile, email me, or comment or something, why don't you let me know what you want me to write about because I am not really good with coming up with topics or anything, so tell me what you want to read about because I like sharing my opinion and hearing other people's opinions too, or you could just ask me questions and I will answer any questions you may have...I don't really know what to say though right now because I'm bored and just sitting waiting for class to start. Anyways, yeaaaa comment, read, let me know what you want to hear about (: ok good bye for now

My Ghost

I used to record our conversations, used to stay up real late, But now all that is over, Cuz you just don’t care, And I remember when you would call every night, But when you just stopped calling, I still waited up all night for that call where you’d say baby, I know I’m not perfect but you know I love you right?

I stayed up all night for a call that’d never come, And I remember the pain you caused by disappearing, Cuz there was always something more important, I never came first.

But I remember the moment that I could no longer hold my tongue, I just couldn’t keep it in, The words came spilling out, Still you never responded, soon you became my ghost.

I just didn’t matter, and now it’s been two years, haven’t heard your voice in almost a year, I wish I could hear your laugh just once.

Maybe then I could move on, But I’m still waiting for that call that will never come, you probably already deleted my number and silently said goodbye, I wish I could move on, But I know I won’t, How could I when my heart is still lying there on the ground.

And they say it takes time, that time heals all wounds, but that It will get better, someday I’ll move on, and you’ll remain my ghost, haunted forever, no turning back.

But I don’t see that happening, I’m still in love, with a man that could never love me too.

 

In the beginning it was so sweet, but soon you became distant, and world seemed to grow, now as I lay here trying to figure out what happened I'm left in silence.

 

I look back and remember our conversations, realizing that in the beginning you never even let me get a word in, I even remember the time you called me while you were brushing your teeth because even though you were in a hurry you didn't want to start the day apart.  I remember when it started...when you slowly stopped feeling the need and want to be with me.

 

I could here it in your voice, one trip to see your brother, a stolen kiss, two weeks with no word, Texas was where your love for me died. Still we tried, we wanted it to work out...but soon one stolen kiss turned into two and it slowly started multiplying...

 

You denied it, I believed you, I trusted you, and we went on with our lives, I grew cold and angry, I was hurt, I was losing my love to another...little did I know there was nothing I could do, it already happened, he loved another, maybe he never loved me at all, maybe I just love the idea of being with him...all of the good times...

 

I remember our conversations, I remember them like they took place yesterday, and even though those recording have long been deleted, I still remember....I still here your voice, your laugh, I still hear the sound of your smile, even though you'll haunt me for the rest of m life, I know I have been long forgotten...

 

And for now, I will mourn you, I will mourn the man I fell in love with because I know that I will never see that man again, I will never forget, because you brought happiness back into my life, you showed me that even when things are going bad, there will always be someone there who loves you even when you can't see them...


I remember the little things you did, like how your nose would twitch when you laughed, or how you would babble when you wanted to say something but didn't know how to. I remember all of your crazy dream and every detail about them that you said. I remember all of the things you dreamed for us...I remember the how your voice sounded when you said you loved me or when you would call me "lovey bunni" I remember the love that was behind the words. I remember when I could hear it in your voice.


I miss the way you would tell me about your day, about the crazy things that happened, about how you wanted 6 kids because you wanted your future kids to have a big family and huge support system. I miss how you would say that you needed to get off the phone and go to bed but then refuse to get off the phone for another hour. I miss the feeling of you holding my hand...


I miss how you wanted to run away together and start a new chapter in our lives....


Now I am continuing this journey with out you, slowly moving on to better things, now that youre gone I no longer have to worry, about the quirks I had when it came to you, im not sure where im going, somewhere far away, far from the pain and hurt that I relive every day


Now that youre gone I can breathe, now that its been so long im starting to think the fog is clearing, someday ill find another, someone who will love me for me, unconditionally


"I love[d] you like a love song baby" and now when I didn't to the love songs the thoughts of you are starting to fade, someday ill be a new. Someday I will be able to stand up straight, because now that your gone, I can finally breathe.


You know that song that goes "and it took me quite awhile, to see we wont walk the aisle" it was always just a distant dream, and when I heard that song for the first time I knew, it was time to let go...you loved me once...but your love was always indefinite...and I can no longer wait for your unsurities...though I know someday well see...we really aren't "the perfect two..."


I remember when you were the one that picked my heart off the ground, dusted it off, and kept it close to your own, but then one day, you dropped it in slow motion, and when it made impact with the ground it shattered, no room for redemption now, the sound it made as it hit the floor is one I will never forget, it crippled me, and as I fell to my knees, you turned and walked away...


By the time you stopped and finally looked back a year had already passed, but there was no chance of making it work, too much time had gone by...and still old habits remained...I bit my tongue, for as long as I could bare to manage, but it wasn't long enough soon enough the words came spilling out and once again, you said your silent goodbye....you were never one for saying goodbye anyways...


5 weeks from now, the pain will only become more real, another year will have slipped by, but this time neither of us will make the effort to even let a word slip between us...neither of us will give in...because our pride has only grown...and now we no longer know the other...we no longer have the feelings that we once used to share, and we will never again be face to face...gasping for air...because we always did take each others breath away....


I cant stop thinking of our first kiss, the moment our lips first touched, and that goofy smile on our faces...I cant forget how it seemed like the world had stopped for a moment, as if it were only us left in the world...I cant forget how the rest of the night had gone, walking side by side, hand in hand, down a street that seemed to never end...and as you kissed me goodnight once more, and I slowly turned away, you hadn't left until I shut the door...But I remained in the window, watching you kick at the ground and finally turn to walk away...but before you had gone you looked back....I only wish I knew what had been on your mind at that point in time...


I fell in love with this guy, he was my first love and my first official boyfriend, and he made a huge impact on my life both when he entered my life and when he left it. I am not spitefull of him or hatefull, I understand that we were both young and clueless and that heart break was inevitable, but I did love him, and I still do. I know that all I want is to hear his voice just one more time but I also know that if I did that I would be reopening the wound. Especially because I know that he wouldn't answer even if I did call, he wouldn't respond to a text or facebook message. I know that it's over but I can't help but hope that maybe one day we will find our way back to eachother, though by then I hope I will have moved on.



Over Time I will continue to add to this because I feel it is the only way for me to accept what happened.

My Letters to God

So, I have a strong faith in God but sometimes I really feel like he just wants to watch my family suffer. I know he has a plan, I just wish I knew what it was. So the point of this post is for me to write to God, because sometimes when all you do is pray by yourself to him it can feel like maybe he doesn't hear it. I know that if someone actually reads this they may feel "offended" or against me doing this, but it's my blog, I don't expect anyone to read it, and if someone does happen to find my blog and read it, if they don't like that everyone once in a while I write a letter to God or they don't like my posts then they can leave my page. I don't care. So yes, I will be posting letters to God, it will be my way of communicating to him.

Dear God,

Today I am sitting in an empty hallway in my college and I can't help but think of my family. I feel like everything and literally everything is falling apart before my eyes and I have no idea what to do. But there isn't even anything I can do...everything is just so screwed up that right now everything is in the air. But you have a plan...right? So why do I feel so helpless? You took papa's vision, he was hit by a truck, my sister will spend the rest of her life in jail, my niece won't have her mother or father here for her, my mom is spread so thin that I'm surprised she can even cope with everything, my father has to face his guilt for every mistake he has ever made, mamaw has to have a total knee replacement, my brother is going to end up landing himself in jail...and me...I'm lost.....Even if I could do something I don't think I would even know where to start...there is so much more than even just this...so where do I begin?


Anonymous

Open Your Eyes

Growing up you don't realize how bad things are. Everything is much simpler because you are ignorant to all of the serious things that are going around you. I didn't think I would see so many people that are close to me end up injured or in jail. Or even dead. Life has never been easy for me, and yet I have only been alive for nearly 19 years.

I am not who I thought I would be when I got older, I didn't think I would have so many issues. I didn't think I would have a panic, anxiety, and depression disorder. I didn't think I would grow up to be...nothing. This life isn't what I wanted for my self. And while I am on my way to attempting to do something positive with my life I can't help but still feel inevitably lost.

I feel like I am walking around in the dark with no knowledge of what's surrounding me, like at any minutes I could just disappear. And the sad thing about that is that who would care? Honestly, I don't think anyone except my immediate family would care. I know though that if one day I were to die, all the people who bullied me or treated me poorly would all of a sudden say something along the lines of "Omg I can't believe she died so young, she was such a great person, she was so nice, I don't know what I'll do without her." And even though I am nice, and I am a good person a lot of people don't see that because I try to keep to myself, or they see the part of me that is bad when I explode and can't hold in all of the hurt anymore. It is really sad though that that is how people are.

I'm in college right, and I never thought I would even make it this far, I honestly thought I would be dead by now, but here I am sitting in the common area at my college writing this blog even though I know no one will ever care to read it. But oh well, I am going to continue to do this for me because I think it is going to help me work through some things.


I hate that I keep hearing about good people that I used to know now being arrested for horrendous things, ruining the rest of their lives and leaving them with life sentences. What happened that all of a sudden everything around me is going to hell....Maybe karma really does exist....






After a few long hours on class and seeing my family, here I am back in a common area at my college waiting for my next class realizing how much I really dislike myself. Its sad that people can feel this low and this bad about themselves I wish that I could just not be me. I don't know if that makes any sense but I really just wish that I could be someone else. I never feel happy, and I hate myself....how can anyone else like me if I don't even like myself? I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe it's because I was bullied and now have certain ideas about myself permantly lodged into the back of my head. Or maybe...idk