This is me...

 I figure you should probablly know what I look like. Well, this is me. I am average at best. Overweight, short, and obnoxious. But I'm getting used to that I suppose, though I still hate the sound of my own voice.  I mean, who wouldn't LOL....right?....

Well, it's been almost a year since my ex left me. So I've been trying to do my makeup more often to make myself feel better, but it doesn't really work. My nose is too big, my eyes are too small, and my face is too round. And then I can never find the right foundation to match my skin tone so I'm always worried about looking orange. Anyways that's a little bit of information about me, a little more for you to get to know. Maybe I'll start writing on here more...Who knows...

So, this is me. I've been really depressed lately. I was in a serious and committed relationship, and one day he told me that he just didn't love me anymore. Apparently, I didn't tell him I loved him enough... So he left me and moved to Florida...I am not depressed because of that though, that's my life, it was bound to happen. I am depressed because I just feel like I don't matter. I feel like I am useless, worthless and most of all irrelevant. So, about two weeks ago I started cutting myself again, and I am beyond ashamed. I feel like it made me feel better though, to hurt myself, I feel like it was a relief. Like finally I acted on my thoughts and I didn't have to worry about it anymore. I just feel empty. I feel numb.

Hello Again My Dear Friends

So once again it has been awhile since i have been on here, thats because i forgot my username and password lol, but i figured it out, this last week has been amazing, my boyfriend and i worked things out and we are happier than ever, when he permanently moves up here to IL i dont know how things are going to work out, but the last week was unforgetable.

We went to the zoo, and later i am going to post some of the better pictures we took while we were at Brookefield.

Two nights ago though i did something completely stupid and it almost ruined my relationship, i had gotten drunk off of my ass, i said somethings and did some things that i shouldnt have, i even put a bunch of random things down his pants, anyways he came back down stairs after awhile upset saying "so now you dont want to be with me huh? then why the fuck are we together" and on went out arguing and him trying to get me to tell him, it all felt like a dream though. after i pushed him off of my bed he got up, grabbed the whiskey and went upstairs...i followed him pulled him into the kitchen and started balling my eyes out....we both went back down stairs and for awhile we were okay, but then we started talking about he was pushing the fact that while i was drunk i posted a status on facebook about how i thought it would be better to be single, so i got upset went upstairs and took atleast 15 xanax if not more, he pulled me downstairs and put me to bed and he wouldnt let me get back up again...

The next morning things were still very tense between the two of us, and neither of us knew if we were going to stay together, but we are, i think this instance brought the two of us closer together, I just thought i would share a little bit about whats been going on around here, i hope everything is going to for all of you out there.

Recently

Lately I have been feeling really negative. I constantly want to die, it never leaves my mind, I'm not sure what to do...I mean I don't want to commit suicide, I just want to die of an accident or natural causes sooner rather than later...

It doesn't help that I am in a relationship I don't even want to be in...I haven't ended in though because I feel guilty, he came and spent Christmas with me and now he plans on moving here on July 27th, but I don't want him to and I told him that. I think he thinks I am joking. I told him that once he finishes school he should move to Mississippi with him family instead of moving back here.

I don't know how I feel towards him I just know that I don't want to be with him. He too pushy and needy. He's social and outgoing and I am the complete opposite. I just want to end things. He's really pushy with sex too, he wants to have it all the time, but I would rather just cuddle and go to bed. I don't really know much about being Asexual...but I think I am. I don't want sex. I don't feel a need to have sex. I mean it feels great but I would rather just take care of that myself, I don't really want to have sex. I know none of you, if anyone is reading this, wants to know about that, I just hope that maybe if someone is reading this and they know more about what being asexual really is they could help me figure that out because I just feel like there is something wrong with me all around.

Dear Blog...

I've had a hard time these last few months. And honestly I forgot you even existed. I forgot I had a blog. I forgot I was able to write how I feel. ha...I don't know what to do. I feel lost and blind. I have lost my way and my connection with God has been severed. I didn't think it was possible to truly hate God but I have come to the conclusion that either God hates me and doesn't care about the world, or he simply does not exist. I hate saying such things but when I think of God I only see darkness now. I've begged him for help, I've put my faith in him but I no longer see a point. He has abandoned me. It isn't that I am mad that he hasn't given me as I have asked, it's that I don't believe that he is even listening. I have lost my way and I need guidance, because without some sort of help I feel this life is not worth living.

-Anonymous

It's Been Awhile

I haven't written on her for awhile because honestly, I feel so damaged and helpless that I  no longer know what to say. On Tuesday my instructor pulled me aside after class and she made me feel a lot better. I have a panic and anxiety disorder and she knows that, she said that she has seen a difference in me since the beginning of the semester, like a personal growth...like I was finally opening up...but I feel like its the other way around...I feel like I am closing myself off to the world...

My birthday just passed...I am finally 19...but I wish I could have just skipped it, not because I want to stay young or anything of that sort, but because I feel selfish that I get to celebrate my birthday while my sister will only ever get to celebrate her birthday behind bars. I feel selfish when I am happy...

For Thanksgiving we "celebrated" by having our family get together and pretend like everything was normal...but I took no part in it expect for the cooking because I hate that my sister isn't here with me...And I hate that she never will be again...

Nothing is going right in my life...and I just keep wondering what's next?

I give up

My life is literally falling apart right now. I have school I cant get a job unless I was to ditch school and get dropped from my classes because of conflicting orientation hours. My mother just lost her job with no given reason, my sister was just sentenced to serve life in jail, my brother is being threatened and harassed at school and i have no fucking idea what to do...i am losing my fucking mind and i have to help and be here for everyone else but i have no one to be here for me...i don't know what to do